Just Trust Me on This
Cheese is a beermat that's twenty feet tall and can easily be recycled.
Kraft macaroni is a pair of shoes that plays Sokoban! It takes high-quality digital photos and craves attention.
cream of wheat
cream of wheat is a contraceptive device that plays the American national anthem! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
trojan is a TV remote control that can communicate with your golf club! It keeps drinks cold and communicates via Instant Messenger.
steinway is a DVD player that's water-absorbent and changes colour.
Sony is a tricycle that self-replicates! It helps the medicine go down.
Mason and Hamlin
Mason and Hamlin is like a normal contact lens, but it defies gravity.
Johnson and Johnson
Johnson and Johnson is a sheet of paper that's great for hammering in nails! It is solar-powered.
McDonald's is a milk carton that feeds your pets and counts your loose change.
Coca-Cola is a parachute that remembers all of its past actions and doesn't need oiling.
[ed. note: I'll show YOU a parachute that doesn't need oiling!]
McMaster Carr is a postage stamp that's heavier than it looks, hums incessantly and is oak-panelled.
Scotch is a lunchbox that sorts your mail! It talks.
Jack Daniels is a DVD player! It works at twice the normal speed!
Budweiser is like a normal burglar alarm, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.
Amstel Light is a headband that can be used by several people at once! It can speak French and can only be operated by a trained professional.
Anal R. Gapings
Anal R. Gapings is a button-badge that looks like a pot-plant! It gets +2 to kill undead.
Miller is a contraceptive device that has no moving parts!
Ford is a webcam that's covered with realistic fur! It is perfectly safe to use.
Chrysler is a newly-discovered breed of fish that has a leopardskin print! It can play chess and self-replicates.
Toyota is a DVD player that sounds better than it looks, remembers all of its past actions and has velcro pads on the side.
Honda is a car that sorts your mail, communicates with other copies of itself and won't make a hole in your wallet.
Ragtime is an aquarium that's not suitable for children, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and receives data from any nearby robotic dog.
Universal is like a normal trouser press, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.
Seeburg is a marker pen that displays a slideshow of pictures, plays a mean game of Go and costs less than £20.
Wurlitzer is like a normal pen, but it freezes anything it touches.
I could go on, but you get the idea.